Again?...

I mentioned it once before, but I tried to kill myself a few years back. I was in a really, really bad place in life and I didn't know how to deal with it. So, I thought that ending my life was the best place to go. I was wrong. I didn't know it at first, but there are some things in my life that I don't want to let go of, no matter how bad it hurts. Well, today, that feeling of "letting go" came rushing back into me.

I don't know where it came from, and I can't blame it on one thing in particular, it just all came back to me like a really bad memory. Unfortunately, memories never go away, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them. I've never been the type of guy who "needs" to have someone (in a relationship sense), but I've been all alone for the past number of years and...I think it's catching up to me. I'm not a bad guy, I'm not. But, I'm not the "hottest" dude ever, I don't make a lot of money, I don't drive a sweet car (or a car at all, actually), I don't have the nicest clothes, I live in a shitty ass studio apartment...I'm not want girls want. I don't care...but...I do. I don't get it. I really, really don't get it.

Every girl I will tell this to will completely disagree with me, but that's just because they are telling me what I "want" to hear. I am a good guy. I am an awesome boyfriend. I would make a girl happier than she has ever been. BUT...I'm not "sexy" or "hot" or any of that superficial fucking bullshit that society makes out to be so fucking important. It isn't until you call a girl out on her judgmental ways that she will tell you that you're wrong. Well, I don't believe it. Sorry bitches, you're all fucking superficial liars and I can see right through your bullshit. If you honestly wanted NOTHING BUT a good guy to love you, take care of you and dedicate his life to you and didn't care how he looked...I wouldn't be alone right now.

Seriously, what gives? Who in the fuck decided that meaningless, superficial, shallow, vain bullshit was somehow the most important thing when it comes to loving somebody? Nobody can act like that's not true, because it is. The people with the best morals, values, senses of humor, romance, etc...they NEVER get anywhere in relationships if they're not "sexy". Why? Because, in all reality, being sexually attractive is the ONLY THING THAT MATTERS to most people. If it wasn't, I would be happily married with kids and a house and a dog and a white picket fence and all that cliche crap. But, here I am...sitting my studio apartment, dead fucking lonely, typing on a BLOG (for fuck's sake) about how pathetic I am. Yeah, this "good guy" thing is really getting me somewhere.

Thanks mom. You always said I was special. Well, apparently, you're a liar because I've been sleeping in my bed, alone, for the past 6 years. Awesome.

Time to drink one last beer, eat some crappy food that's bad for me and then fall asleep. Tomorrow's a big day. I have to get my rest so I can be all by myself...again. YIPPIE!!!

Goodnight bitches.

David Blaine's Dive Of Disappointment...

I just got done watching David Blaine's two hour crap fest, otherwise known as "Dive of Death". Ok, so I will admit that David Blaine does some things that are pretty cool, but this was just complete and utter disappointment.

I watched this crap for two hours, waiting for some sweet ass ending, which hopefully would involve a true leap of death, but, instead, I had the pleasure to watch him jump off of scaffolding ATTACHED TO A WIRE and then get lifted into the air. WHAT? Are you serious? Playing with Legos is more entertaining. Actually...I like Legos, so that was a bad comparison.

Anyway...then, they tried to pull it off like he "disappeared into the air" which was obviously nothing but camera tricks and well placed shadowing. There's nothing magic about that.

The only thing that was magic about David Blaine's performance was the fact that he actually got me to watch this shit. So, maybe I'm wrong about him. Maybe, just maybe, he is magic.

David Blaine...you are the greatest magician in the world. You have the mystic wizardry that allows you to magically get people to watch your bullshit. You are some kind of sorcerer David Blaine, sooooome kiiiind of sorcerer.

Oops...

I was really bored earlier tonight, so I thought to myself...

"What can I do that would be fun?"

So, since I was hungry, as well as bored, I decided to order a pizza that I've never tried before. I looked through the phone book and found a place that seemed pretty decent and was close to where I live. I ordered a large "Chef's Choice" pizza (which is literally whatever the chef wants to make that day) and some garlic breadsticks. The total came to $50 and some change. Yes, $50 for a pizza and some breadsticks. Obviously, I'm expecting the best pizza ever.

It wasn't.

It was literally the worst pizza I have ever eaten. First of all, the chef's choice was apparently crappy pizza sauce, mild tasting cheese, soggy pepperoni, dry sausage, limp green peppers, overcooked mushrooms and soggy ass asparagus with some sort of "cream" sauce mixed in. It...fucking...SUCKED!!!

The breadsticks were good though.

Home Is Where The Heart Is...

"Home is where the heart is."

If that saying is true, then my home is a million miles away right now. I don't even know why I'm writing this, because I only like to write if it's "from the heart"...and my heart is so far away right now, I don't even know where to begin looking for it.

Dealing with life is the most difficult problem that any one person will ever have.

Life...right now, I wish I didn't have one.

Worried...

My ex-girlfriend is overseas right now doing some charity work and she is pretty much cut off from all technology that we, here in the US, are used to having; cell phones, TV, internet, etc. Only on Saturday mornings (my time) does she get to use the internet, so we have been e-mailing eachother back and forth ever since she left.

I checked my e-mail this morning and I don't have an e-mail from her. At first, I figured she might not have gotten a chance to send one, but...then I started to worry. She is in a place which, for lack of a more appropriate term, isn't safe for women to be in. When she originally told me that she was going overseas, I was terrified. When I found out exactly where she was going, I got even more scared. She is in a really, really bad part of Africa and it sickens me.

I've known people that have gone overseas to Africa and most of the females that have gone have ended up getting raped, on more than one occassion, while they were there. Rape fucking sickens me to death and the thought of my ex-girlfriend having to go through it makes me physically sick to my stomach and puts tears in my eyes every time I even think about it.

I'm scared. I know I shouldn't "assume", but I can't help it. I'm doing my best to relax and calm down, but it's hard. I hope that she is ok and this is just a "time constraint" issue, where she couldn't get to the computers on time, but what if it's not? Aaaaah, this sucks.

I hope you're okay angel. If you're not, I wish I could be there with you.

Past, Present, Future...

When I was a senior in high school, I met a girl. We quickly became close with one another and soon began dating. Looooooong story short, after 3 years of dating (which included me sacrificing all of my dreams to be with her; going to LSU for college, my baseball career) she broke up with me out of nowhere. I came to find out that she broke up with me because she was gay.

My girlfriend had been gay the entire time we were together. She knew she was gay ever since she was in middle school and had just never made it public. She started dating me because, and I quote, I "wasn't like other guys". We dated and she found herself to feel "normal" when she was with me, as she didn't have to deal with constant ridicule. So, she stayed with me for 3 years and for some reason, reached the point where she knew she had to "move on" and tell the truth.

My life was forever changed because of her. Parts of it for the better, more parts of it for the worse. I didn't know how to handle the heartache that I was feeling so I turned to my mistress...alcohol. I drank and drank and drank my life away. My life became complete and utter shit when she left me. It got so bad that I actually tried to kill myself on one occassion. All because I lost her...

Now, she wants me back. It has been about 6 years since we were last together. Sure, we have been friends for a relatively short time now, as we have both made amends with one another about what happened, but, it's still hard. It's hard because I still love her. I always have and I always will.

She is currently overseas doing some charity work and we have been e-mailing one another every Saturday (as that is her only "internet" time). I got an e-mail this past Saturday from her, in which she clearly stated that she wanted to get back together with me. She said that leaving me was the stupidest thing she had ever done and that she wish she never went through her "lesbian phase". She claims that she still loves me and will do anything to be with me again.

I don't know if I'm stupid, lonely, desperate or a combination of all three, but...I'm tempted. Even though she ruined my fucking life by tearing away every shred of happiness that I ever had, I still want her here with me. I know that I'm supposed to "move on" and find someone else, but...I'm not that type of person. I don't tell someone I love them unless I LOVE them. Well, I love her...and I need her for some reason.

I know that getting back together would her might not be the best decision to make, but...SIGH, I don't even know. My mind and heart are racing right now and every single thought and emotion that I am capable of having are spinning so fast that it's honestly killing me. My body physically hurts because of this, which, quite frankly, scares the shit out of me.

She will be overseas until the end of the year, so only time will tell what will happen. I don't know what I'm going to say to her, as I haven't responded yet, but I know that whatever happens is just going to make it hurt more than it already does. With or without her, my life will continue to find ways to make me suffer.

I guess all I can do is fight. But, I know I won't have the energy to fight forever...

If You Play With Fire...

I burnt my hand at work the other day and this is, quite possibly, the worst burn I've ever gotten. While working on the line, one of the interns at the restaurant decided to move a hot pan full of reducing (aka - boiling) sauce without letting me know about it. I was standing right next to him and when he turned around with the pan, he hit me and sauce went all over my right hand.

Currently, I have a huge burn blister that covers about 40% of my hand. I'm burnt from my pointer finger (on my palm side) all the way to my thumb. My entire middle finger is burnt as well, including a lot of my palm and my ring finger.

It hurts like hell but I don't have insurance and I can't afford to go to the hospital. I've been using burn cream (which helps a lot) and have been soaking my hand in cold water as often as possible. The blister is pretty big and I plan on draining it soon, to help quicken the process of healing so I can get back to work. I can't even hold a knife, which is pissing me off.

I've been burned plenty of times before, but this time is killing me. Not only does it hurt physically, it hurts emotionally, as I can't go to work. I'm stuck here in my apartment for, what seems to be, quite a while. I have no food in my refrigerator and I can't go to the grocery store because I wouldn't be able to carry anything with my right hand. I've been ordering in for the past few days and I'm sick of it. Sure, it's nice to not have to cook for myself, but it sucks. I love cooking and this God damned burn is keeping me from that.

The Dating Game...

"I'm 36 and if I met a woman of my own age and married her, I'd also be marrying her former life, her past. It might be OK for some people - I don't want to judge it or anything - but it's not for me. It would destroy my creativity."

- Henry Rollins

I 100% agree with what Henry Rollins says. I know that a lot of people have the mentality of "it doesn't matter what he/she did before we got together" when it comes to relationships, but I don't see it that way. If a girl I'm dating reveals to me that she had sex with 50+ guys before she met me, I wouldn't be able to just ignore that as try and pass it off as some sort of "previous personality" that she had. The fact is, no matter how I would try and look at it, she still would've slept with 50+ guys! Once a slut, always a slut...it doesn't just "go away" when you meet someone new.

I believe that when you start a relationship with a person, you are also getting a side dish of bullshit from their past. Some people can find themselves to be "ok" with their partners past, no matter how gutwrenching it may be, and there is nothing wrong with that...I just can't do it.

I'm not going to "look past" a drug addiction, or promiscuous sex life or some other personality trait, that I personally, find to be unattractive and wouldn't do myself. It matters to me. It's funny, but a lot of people who have the mentality of "it doesn't matter what he/she did before we got together" don't follow that reasoning with every issue. They usually draw the line at sex, which, in my opinion, is fucking stupid. If I murdered someone 10 years before I met them, would they be able to look past it? If I raped and abused my last girlfriend, would they be able to look past it? NO, FUCK NO. Why? Because no matter how hard you try and deny it, the past MATTERS.

Write Off...

Why do people pay large sums of money just so they can own something that some celebrity autographed? Don't get me wrong, I have a few autographs myself and I think they're cool to have, but...seriously? Are we that stupid? If some baseball player signs a baseball, people will pay hundreds of dollars to own it. Why? It's just a fucking baseball that some dude scribbled his initials on.

It just seems like we (as a people) have this sick fetish with trying to "connect" with famous people that we don't know and never will. I guess having an autograph of someone makes us feel like "wow, they signed this, JUST FOR ME!!!", when, in all reality, it's probably a stamped signature that was created by a computer. Even when the autograph is real, it's still just something that person wrote...that's it, no more. I have a baseball bat autographed by my favorite baseball player, Frank Thomas, and as cool as I think it is...it's still just a bat that Frank Thomas wrote his name on. How do we "connect" with that?

Personally, I'd rather have a thimble of spit, a used condom or a ziploc bag full of shit from somebody famous. Instead of their name being written down on something, I'd have a genuine, real life part of their body. Now that's "connecting" with them.

Going Bananas...

I'm sick and tired of watching TV shows/commercials that show bananas that have brown markings on the peel and then claim they're rotten and then show bright yellow bananas and claim they're ripe. No. NO NO NO.

Bananas are supposed to have brown spots on them because that means they're perfectly ripe. Bright yellow bananas are more firm and need to be "left out" to ripen so the meat gets sweeter and more tender. You're supposed to leave your bananas out on the counter (in a paper bag is actually better) until they get brown spots on the peel. They'll be the best bananas you've ever had if you do that.

People are so stupid.

PS - I apologize for the terrible title I used, but, let's be honest...I had to.