Again?...

I mentioned it once before, but I tried to kill myself a few years back. I was in a really, really bad place in life and I didn't know how to deal with it. So, I thought that ending my life was the best place to go. I was wrong. I didn't know it at first, but there are some things in my life that I don't want to let go of, no matter how bad it hurts. Well, today, that feeling of "letting go" came rushing back into me.

I don't know where it came from, and I can't blame it on one thing in particular, it just all came back to me like a really bad memory. Unfortunately, memories never go away, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them. I've never been the type of guy who "needs" to have someone (in a relationship sense), but I've been all alone for the past number of years and...I think it's catching up to me. I'm not a bad guy, I'm not. But, I'm not the "hottest" dude ever, I don't make a lot of money, I don't drive a sweet car (or a car at all, actually), I don't have the nicest clothes, I live in a shitty ass studio apartment...I'm not want girls want. I don't care...but...I do. I don't get it. I really, really don't get it.

Every girl I will tell this to will completely disagree with me, but that's just because they are telling me what I "want" to hear. I am a good guy. I am an awesome boyfriend. I would make a girl happier than she has ever been. BUT...I'm not "sexy" or "hot" or any of that superficial fucking bullshit that society makes out to be so fucking important. It isn't until you call a girl out on her judgmental ways that she will tell you that you're wrong. Well, I don't believe it. Sorry bitches, you're all fucking superficial liars and I can see right through your bullshit. If you honestly wanted NOTHING BUT a good guy to love you, take care of you and dedicate his life to you and didn't care how he looked...I wouldn't be alone right now.

Seriously, what gives? Who in the fuck decided that meaningless, superficial, shallow, vain bullshit was somehow the most important thing when it comes to loving somebody? Nobody can act like that's not true, because it is. The people with the best morals, values, senses of humor, romance, etc...they NEVER get anywhere in relationships if they're not "sexy". Why? Because, in all reality, being sexually attractive is the ONLY THING THAT MATTERS to most people. If it wasn't, I would be happily married with kids and a house and a dog and a white picket fence and all that cliche crap. But, here I am...sitting my studio apartment, dead fucking lonely, typing on a BLOG (for fuck's sake) about how pathetic I am. Yeah, this "good guy" thing is really getting me somewhere.

Thanks mom. You always said I was special. Well, apparently, you're a liar because I've been sleeping in my bed, alone, for the past 6 years. Awesome.

Time to drink one last beer, eat some crappy food that's bad for me and then fall asleep. Tomorrow's a big day. I have to get my rest so I can be all by myself...again. YIPPIE!!!

Goodnight bitches.