Past, Present, Future...

When I was a senior in high school, I met a girl. We quickly became close with one another and soon began dating. Looooooong story short, after 3 years of dating (which included me sacrificing all of my dreams to be with her; going to LSU for college, my baseball career) she broke up with me out of nowhere. I came to find out that she broke up with me because she was gay.

My girlfriend had been gay the entire time we were together. She knew she was gay ever since she was in middle school and had just never made it public. She started dating me because, and I quote, I "wasn't like other guys". We dated and she found herself to feel "normal" when she was with me, as she didn't have to deal with constant ridicule. So, she stayed with me for 3 years and for some reason, reached the point where she knew she had to "move on" and tell the truth.

My life was forever changed because of her. Parts of it for the better, more parts of it for the worse. I didn't know how to handle the heartache that I was feeling so I turned to my mistress...alcohol. I drank and drank and drank my life away. My life became complete and utter shit when she left me. It got so bad that I actually tried to kill myself on one occassion. All because I lost her...

Now, she wants me back. It has been about 6 years since we were last together. Sure, we have been friends for a relatively short time now, as we have both made amends with one another about what happened, but, it's still hard. It's hard because I still love her. I always have and I always will.

She is currently overseas doing some charity work and we have been e-mailing one another every Saturday (as that is her only "internet" time). I got an e-mail this past Saturday from her, in which she clearly stated that she wanted to get back together with me. She said that leaving me was the stupidest thing she had ever done and that she wish she never went through her "lesbian phase". She claims that she still loves me and will do anything to be with me again.

I don't know if I'm stupid, lonely, desperate or a combination of all three, but...I'm tempted. Even though she ruined my fucking life by tearing away every shred of happiness that I ever had, I still want her here with me. I know that I'm supposed to "move on" and find someone else, but...I'm not that type of person. I don't tell someone I love them unless I LOVE them. Well, I love her...and I need her for some reason.

I know that getting back together would her might not be the best decision to make, but...SIGH, I don't even know. My mind and heart are racing right now and every single thought and emotion that I am capable of having are spinning so fast that it's honestly killing me. My body physically hurts because of this, which, quite frankly, scares the shit out of me.

She will be overseas until the end of the year, so only time will tell what will happen. I don't know what I'm going to say to her, as I haven't responded yet, but I know that whatever happens is just going to make it hurt more than it already does. With or without her, my life will continue to find ways to make me suffer.

I guess all I can do is fight. But, I know I won't have the energy to fight forever...