Again?...

I mentioned it once before, but I tried to kill myself a few years back. I was in a really, really bad place in life and I didn't know how to deal with it. So, I thought that ending my life was the best place to go. I was wrong. I didn't know it at first, but there are some things in my life that I don't want to let go of, no matter how bad it hurts. Well, today, that feeling of "letting go" came rushing back into me.

I don't know where it came from, and I can't blame it on one thing in particular, it just all came back to me like a really bad memory. Unfortunately, memories never go away, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them. I've never been the type of guy who "needs" to have someone (in a relationship sense), but I've been all alone for the past number of years and...I think it's catching up to me. I'm not a bad guy, I'm not. But, I'm not the "hottest" dude ever, I don't make a lot of money, I don't drive a sweet car (or a car at all, actually), I don't have the nicest clothes, I live in a shitty ass studio apartment...I'm not want girls want. I don't care...but...I do. I don't get it. I really, really don't get it.

Every girl I will tell this to will completely disagree with me, but that's just because they are telling me what I "want" to hear. I am a good guy. I am an awesome boyfriend. I would make a girl happier than she has ever been. BUT...I'm not "sexy" or "hot" or any of that superficial fucking bullshit that society makes out to be so fucking important. It isn't until you call a girl out on her judgmental ways that she will tell you that you're wrong. Well, I don't believe it. Sorry bitches, you're all fucking superficial liars and I can see right through your bullshit. If you honestly wanted NOTHING BUT a good guy to love you, take care of you and dedicate his life to you and didn't care how he looked...I wouldn't be alone right now.

Seriously, what gives? Who in the fuck decided that meaningless, superficial, shallow, vain bullshit was somehow the most important thing when it comes to loving somebody? Nobody can act like that's not true, because it is. The people with the best morals, values, senses of humor, romance, etc...they NEVER get anywhere in relationships if they're not "sexy". Why? Because, in all reality, being sexually attractive is the ONLY THING THAT MATTERS to most people. If it wasn't, I would be happily married with kids and a house and a dog and a white picket fence and all that cliche crap. But, here I am...sitting my studio apartment, dead fucking lonely, typing on a BLOG (for fuck's sake) about how pathetic I am. Yeah, this "good guy" thing is really getting me somewhere.

Thanks mom. You always said I was special. Well, apparently, you're a liar because I've been sleeping in my bed, alone, for the past 6 years. Awesome.

Time to drink one last beer, eat some crappy food that's bad for me and then fall asleep. Tomorrow's a big day. I have to get my rest so I can be all by myself...again. YIPPIE!!!

Goodnight bitches.

David Blaine's Dive Of Disappointment...

I just got done watching David Blaine's two hour crap fest, otherwise known as "Dive of Death". Ok, so I will admit that David Blaine does some things that are pretty cool, but this was just complete and utter disappointment.

I watched this crap for two hours, waiting for some sweet ass ending, which hopefully would involve a true leap of death, but, instead, I had the pleasure to watch him jump off of scaffolding ATTACHED TO A WIRE and then get lifted into the air. WHAT? Are you serious? Playing with Legos is more entertaining. Actually...I like Legos, so that was a bad comparison.

Anyway...then, they tried to pull it off like he "disappeared into the air" which was obviously nothing but camera tricks and well placed shadowing. There's nothing magic about that.

The only thing that was magic about David Blaine's performance was the fact that he actually got me to watch this shit. So, maybe I'm wrong about him. Maybe, just maybe, he is magic.

David Blaine...you are the greatest magician in the world. You have the mystic wizardry that allows you to magically get people to watch your bullshit. You are some kind of sorcerer David Blaine, sooooome kiiiind of sorcerer.

Oops...

I was really bored earlier tonight, so I thought to myself...

"What can I do that would be fun?"

So, since I was hungry, as well as bored, I decided to order a pizza that I've never tried before. I looked through the phone book and found a place that seemed pretty decent and was close to where I live. I ordered a large "Chef's Choice" pizza (which is literally whatever the chef wants to make that day) and some garlic breadsticks. The total came to $50 and some change. Yes, $50 for a pizza and some breadsticks. Obviously, I'm expecting the best pizza ever.

It wasn't.

It was literally the worst pizza I have ever eaten. First of all, the chef's choice was apparently crappy pizza sauce, mild tasting cheese, soggy pepperoni, dry sausage, limp green peppers, overcooked mushrooms and soggy ass asparagus with some sort of "cream" sauce mixed in. It...fucking...SUCKED!!!

The breadsticks were good though.

Home Is Where The Heart Is...

"Home is where the heart is."

If that saying is true, then my home is a million miles away right now. I don't even know why I'm writing this, because I only like to write if it's "from the heart"...and my heart is so far away right now, I don't even know where to begin looking for it.

Dealing with life is the most difficult problem that any one person will ever have.

Life...right now, I wish I didn't have one.

Worried...

My ex-girlfriend is overseas right now doing some charity work and she is pretty much cut off from all technology that we, here in the US, are used to having; cell phones, TV, internet, etc. Only on Saturday mornings (my time) does she get to use the internet, so we have been e-mailing eachother back and forth ever since she left.

I checked my e-mail this morning and I don't have an e-mail from her. At first, I figured she might not have gotten a chance to send one, but...then I started to worry. She is in a place which, for lack of a more appropriate term, isn't safe for women to be in. When she originally told me that she was going overseas, I was terrified. When I found out exactly where she was going, I got even more scared. She is in a really, really bad part of Africa and it sickens me.

I've known people that have gone overseas to Africa and most of the females that have gone have ended up getting raped, on more than one occassion, while they were there. Rape fucking sickens me to death and the thought of my ex-girlfriend having to go through it makes me physically sick to my stomach and puts tears in my eyes every time I even think about it.

I'm scared. I know I shouldn't "assume", but I can't help it. I'm doing my best to relax and calm down, but it's hard. I hope that she is ok and this is just a "time constraint" issue, where she couldn't get to the computers on time, but what if it's not? Aaaaah, this sucks.

I hope you're okay angel. If you're not, I wish I could be there with you.

Past, Present, Future...

When I was a senior in high school, I met a girl. We quickly became close with one another and soon began dating. Looooooong story short, after 3 years of dating (which included me sacrificing all of my dreams to be with her; going to LSU for college, my baseball career) she broke up with me out of nowhere. I came to find out that she broke up with me because she was gay.

My girlfriend had been gay the entire time we were together. She knew she was gay ever since she was in middle school and had just never made it public. She started dating me because, and I quote, I "wasn't like other guys". We dated and she found herself to feel "normal" when she was with me, as she didn't have to deal with constant ridicule. So, she stayed with me for 3 years and for some reason, reached the point where she knew she had to "move on" and tell the truth.

My life was forever changed because of her. Parts of it for the better, more parts of it for the worse. I didn't know how to handle the heartache that I was feeling so I turned to my mistress...alcohol. I drank and drank and drank my life away. My life became complete and utter shit when she left me. It got so bad that I actually tried to kill myself on one occassion. All because I lost her...

Now, she wants me back. It has been about 6 years since we were last together. Sure, we have been friends for a relatively short time now, as we have both made amends with one another about what happened, but, it's still hard. It's hard because I still love her. I always have and I always will.

She is currently overseas doing some charity work and we have been e-mailing one another every Saturday (as that is her only "internet" time). I got an e-mail this past Saturday from her, in which she clearly stated that she wanted to get back together with me. She said that leaving me was the stupidest thing she had ever done and that she wish she never went through her "lesbian phase". She claims that she still loves me and will do anything to be with me again.

I don't know if I'm stupid, lonely, desperate or a combination of all three, but...I'm tempted. Even though she ruined my fucking life by tearing away every shred of happiness that I ever had, I still want her here with me. I know that I'm supposed to "move on" and find someone else, but...I'm not that type of person. I don't tell someone I love them unless I LOVE them. Well, I love her...and I need her for some reason.

I know that getting back together would her might not be the best decision to make, but...SIGH, I don't even know. My mind and heart are racing right now and every single thought and emotion that I am capable of having are spinning so fast that it's honestly killing me. My body physically hurts because of this, which, quite frankly, scares the shit out of me.

She will be overseas until the end of the year, so only time will tell what will happen. I don't know what I'm going to say to her, as I haven't responded yet, but I know that whatever happens is just going to make it hurt more than it already does. With or without her, my life will continue to find ways to make me suffer.

I guess all I can do is fight. But, I know I won't have the energy to fight forever...

If You Play With Fire...

I burnt my hand at work the other day and this is, quite possibly, the worst burn I've ever gotten. While working on the line, one of the interns at the restaurant decided to move a hot pan full of reducing (aka - boiling) sauce without letting me know about it. I was standing right next to him and when he turned around with the pan, he hit me and sauce went all over my right hand.

Currently, I have a huge burn blister that covers about 40% of my hand. I'm burnt from my pointer finger (on my palm side) all the way to my thumb. My entire middle finger is burnt as well, including a lot of my palm and my ring finger.

It hurts like hell but I don't have insurance and I can't afford to go to the hospital. I've been using burn cream (which helps a lot) and have been soaking my hand in cold water as often as possible. The blister is pretty big and I plan on draining it soon, to help quicken the process of healing so I can get back to work. I can't even hold a knife, which is pissing me off.

I've been burned plenty of times before, but this time is killing me. Not only does it hurt physically, it hurts emotionally, as I can't go to work. I'm stuck here in my apartment for, what seems to be, quite a while. I have no food in my refrigerator and I can't go to the grocery store because I wouldn't be able to carry anything with my right hand. I've been ordering in for the past few days and I'm sick of it. Sure, it's nice to not have to cook for myself, but it sucks. I love cooking and this God damned burn is keeping me from that.

The Dating Game...

"I'm 36 and if I met a woman of my own age and married her, I'd also be marrying her former life, her past. It might be OK for some people - I don't want to judge it or anything - but it's not for me. It would destroy my creativity."

- Henry Rollins

I 100% agree with what Henry Rollins says. I know that a lot of people have the mentality of "it doesn't matter what he/she did before we got together" when it comes to relationships, but I don't see it that way. If a girl I'm dating reveals to me that she had sex with 50+ guys before she met me, I wouldn't be able to just ignore that as try and pass it off as some sort of "previous personality" that she had. The fact is, no matter how I would try and look at it, she still would've slept with 50+ guys! Once a slut, always a slut...it doesn't just "go away" when you meet someone new.

I believe that when you start a relationship with a person, you are also getting a side dish of bullshit from their past. Some people can find themselves to be "ok" with their partners past, no matter how gutwrenching it may be, and there is nothing wrong with that...I just can't do it.

I'm not going to "look past" a drug addiction, or promiscuous sex life or some other personality trait, that I personally, find to be unattractive and wouldn't do myself. It matters to me. It's funny, but a lot of people who have the mentality of "it doesn't matter what he/she did before we got together" don't follow that reasoning with every issue. They usually draw the line at sex, which, in my opinion, is fucking stupid. If I murdered someone 10 years before I met them, would they be able to look past it? If I raped and abused my last girlfriend, would they be able to look past it? NO, FUCK NO. Why? Because no matter how hard you try and deny it, the past MATTERS.

Write Off...

Why do people pay large sums of money just so they can own something that some celebrity autographed? Don't get me wrong, I have a few autographs myself and I think they're cool to have, but...seriously? Are we that stupid? If some baseball player signs a baseball, people will pay hundreds of dollars to own it. Why? It's just a fucking baseball that some dude scribbled his initials on.

It just seems like we (as a people) have this sick fetish with trying to "connect" with famous people that we don't know and never will. I guess having an autograph of someone makes us feel like "wow, they signed this, JUST FOR ME!!!", when, in all reality, it's probably a stamped signature that was created by a computer. Even when the autograph is real, it's still just something that person wrote...that's it, no more. I have a baseball bat autographed by my favorite baseball player, Frank Thomas, and as cool as I think it is...it's still just a bat that Frank Thomas wrote his name on. How do we "connect" with that?

Personally, I'd rather have a thimble of spit, a used condom or a ziploc bag full of shit from somebody famous. Instead of their name being written down on something, I'd have a genuine, real life part of their body. Now that's "connecting" with them.

Going Bananas...

I'm sick and tired of watching TV shows/commercials that show bananas that have brown markings on the peel and then claim they're rotten and then show bright yellow bananas and claim they're ripe. No. NO NO NO.

Bananas are supposed to have brown spots on them because that means they're perfectly ripe. Bright yellow bananas are more firm and need to be "left out" to ripen so the meat gets sweeter and more tender. You're supposed to leave your bananas out on the counter (in a paper bag is actually better) until they get brown spots on the peel. They'll be the best bananas you've ever had if you do that.

People are so stupid.

PS - I apologize for the terrible title I used, but, let's be honest...I had to.

Beat The Odds...

Somebody in a forum that I belong to posted some thoughts on heartbreak and suicide today and it got me thinking about how there are so many people in this world that think that their life is over the instant something bad happens. That's not true. Yes, life is hard, but it does get easier if you work at it. I know, from unfortunate personal experience, that suicide isn't the right choice.

There was a point in my life where I honestly believed that my existence was meaningless and that I would do nothing but suffer forever. So, suicidal thoughts consumed my emotions and lead me to actually try...

I took a knife, jumped into the shower and began to slit my wrist. As soon as I cut myself open and started to bleed everywhere, I immediately regreted what I had done. I was crying so hard and I was so scared that I was going to die...but I was lucky. I was too embarassed to call 911 so I just grabbed some towels and wrapped them around my wrist to hopefully prevent the bleeding. I curled up into a ball and laid in my bathtub crying all night long. Yes, I eventually fell asleep and when I woke up I was amazed that I was still alive. I didn't deserve a second chance, yet, I was lucky enough to get one.

I wrote these lyrics to hopefully send a message to people out there, who have had thoughts like myself, that it does get better. Just be patient and don't give up.

Beat The Odds

The clock is turning slow today
This moment wants to pass
No one wants to feel this way
As my saliva turns to glass

The pain is burning up inside
I don't know if I can see it through
But it's time to swallow all my pride
And do what I have to do, so I can...
Beats the odds
We can beat the odds
I think heaven left us standing here for a reason
We can beat the odds

If patience is a virtue
A poster child you are
But you think they're out to hurt you
And the sunrise seems too far away

I haven't seen you cry in a while
So I know that something's wrong
You carry on without a smile
Not knowing all along, that you can
Beat the odds
We can beat the odds
I think heaven left us standing here for a reason
We can beat the odds

I've been up and I've been down
And everywhere between
You wouldn't feel so lonely now
If you could see the things I've seen

I've been left alone before, with my sweet breath of suicide
I tried, I tried, I tried once more, I let my conscience be my guide
So I cut into what I once thought of as insignifcant man
My life began to feel like water as the blood ran through my hands

Then I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror, and I could see that my eyes were disguised by the fear
And I knew right then that I was much too afraid, to go through with my decision but I already made it
So I threw myself against the shower door, while the blood rained down as it continued to pour
And I cried so hard, I thought I'd die that night and I couldn't believe when I survived till the morning light
I survived till the morning light
And here I am
And here I am today
And here I am today

(Breakdown)

I hope you know how important this is to me
To help you send the pain below
And now that you know my history
When you see me you should know, that we can...

Beats the odds
We can beat the odds
I think heaven left us standing here for a reason
We can beat the odds

Beats the odds
We can beat the odds
I think heaven left us standing here for a reason
We can beat the odds

We can beat the odds (repeating...)

Stake Out...

I'm not in a band at the moment as I am currently working on bettering my guitar work and composing song structures. I plan on waiting about a year before I get a band together to record songs, but until then, I have been working on building a lyrical database. I find it easier to compose lyrics and build the music from there, as it serves as inspiration to me.

I'm sick and tired of how there are so many stupid and unnecessary crimes that are committed each and every day. I'm even more sick and tired of how many people out there aren't willing to lend a helping hand when someone is in need, especially when one of these crimes is being committed. The crime I hate the most is rape and there have been far too many people in my life that have, unfortunately, suffered this disgusting act of inhumanity. I wrote this song as a message to those who feel like no one out there is on their side. Even if I have to do it all by myself, I will, one day, make a difference when it comes to preventing rape and other unforgivable crimes.

Stake Out

This world wasn't made to cater, to the young and the innocent
We're supposed to live in silence, and be happy with what we get
But I still have one question, where do we go from here?
When everyone around you, wants you to live in fear?

It's an overbearing pressure, when you know you've done nothing wrong
But still they try to harm you, as if your sense of insecurity's running strong
You live your life in hiding, to escape from the unavoidable fight
When the war is never ending, how are you supposed to sleep at night?

So I'm gonna take a stand
And fight for the rights of the innocent today
Even though I'm just one man
When you see my face, you'd better turn and run away

I'm going on a stake out, stake out
Before those mother fuckers break out, break out
I'm letting anger that's inside me, guide me
You'd better enjoy it will you can because this shit won't last

(Short breakdown/solo)

Who are you to defy a man
Who struggles to reach for a helping hand of yours
You claim you're doing everything that you can
But when I see you in hell, my friend, I wouldn't be so sure

I'm going on a stake out, stake out
Before those mother fuckers break out, break out
I'm letting anger that's inside me, guide me
You'd better enjoy it will you can because this shit won't last

I'm coming for you

(Solo)

The nights have never been so cold, her body shakes with every breath
You tore away at her innocence until her soul was empty and she had nothing left to give

How could you? (whisper)

She has the face of an angel, her eyes could melt the sun
And I hope they burn right through you, when you think about what you have done to her
You'll never be forgiven, no, she'll never understand
You'd better pray I never find you, I'd love to know how it feels to have your blood on my hands

She's just a innocent child
Forced to live her life in fear, that what she's suffered will further
I'll kill that mother fucker who's stolen her smile
And I'd lay down my own life to make sure you never hurt her again

So I'm gonna take a stand
And fight for the rights of the innocent today
Even though I'm just one man
When you see my face, you'd better turn and run away

I'm going on a stake out, stake out
Before those mother fuckers break out, break out
I'm letting anger that's inside me, guide me
You'd better enjoy it will you can because this shit won't last

I'm on a stake out, stake out
How many guilty can I take out, take out?
All of those who have defied, try me
My patience is gone, now everybody feel the shotgun blast

Step to me mother fucker

Ex Marks The Spot?...

Right now, my ex-girlfriend is overseas, doing some volunteer work for people who are in need of help. She is going to be there for a few months, until the end of the year or so. For the past few nights, I have been completely unable to sleep and it's killing me. I don't know why, but I have this resonating worry and genuine concern for her that keeps spinning loops through my head and I can't let it go. I haven't been with her for a few years, but this trip overseas that she has taken has somehow rekindled everything I felt for her, which, I thought I had let go of.

I still love her, yes, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I'm feeling extremely confused at the moment. She was the one who broke up with me, so I don't know if she is 100% over me or not, but I know that I'm not really over her. I thought I was...but I'm not.

She is the only person in my life who has actually made me cry from happiness. I remember one night, we were sitting on my living room floor watching TV and I just started crying. She looked at me and asked what was wrong and I said...

"Nothing. For the first time in my life, nothing is wrong."

I miss how that feels. Even though it will never happen, I hope I feel that way again someday.

Sooooo Hot...

It's 93 degrees here in Chicago right now and although there have been hotter days, today feels like fire in my apartment. I don't know why, but today feels like it's 110 degrees in here. I'm on the 3rd (top) floor and my building is all brick and concrete so it has excellent insulation, making this apartment get insanely hot when it's warm outside. My air conditioner is almost 10 years old so it doesn't have the "kick" that it used to. So...I'm sweating and hating every second of my life right now. I've already taken 4 cold showers today, but that only helps a liiiiiittle. Sucks for me, I guess.

Every Scar Tells A Story...

I'm a chef and throughout my time of employment in professional kitchens I've acquired some pretty cruel looking scars. Some of them are actually pretty disturbing. Cuts, burns...once they scar, they all look the same. Some of my wounds were so bad at times that when I was out in public, I would get "looks" from people. I can remember one time when I went into a sandwich shop that I frequent and the guy working behind the counter saw some burns on my hand that I had gotten a few days prior. They were pretty bad looking. I was taking some pasta out of the pot of boiling water we use and I hadn't noticed that one of the line cooks had moved a cast iron skillet full of hot oil right next to it. Well, water splashing into hot oil = fire. Fire = burns. The fire shot up and burnt my hand up pretty bad. I was holding a pan of sauce in one hand and the pasta in the other. I couldn't set them down anywhere because there wasn't any room and I couldn't drop them because, well, the customers probably wouldn't be too happy. So, I got pretty bad burns.

Anyway, the guy behind the counter thought I got into a fight because of how bad the wounds looked. I told him what happened and he didn't seem to believe me. Even though I had nothing to hide, my scars were misinterpreted and made me, in the eyes of another, a different person than who I really was. I've been thinking about this tonight, as I've been eyeing my scars for some reason. While I was looking at my scars, I realized that every single one of them tells a story. Some good, some bad, some funny, some sad. Either way, our scars are definitely a huge part of our being. No matter what, we are going to show our scars for the rest of our lives. We can hide them all we want so no one sees them, but when we strip away the layers of falsity they'll reappear. Our scars, in a sense, make us who we are.

Do I like scars? No. Am I glad I have them? Yes.

Without them, I wouldn't be "me".

The Beginning...

The reason why I'm starting a blog: I have nothing better to do, that's why. I guess I felt like starting a "journal" of sorts, documenting certain events and happenings that occur in my life (along with random quotes and words, penned by yours truly, that I feel like posting). That way, as time goes by, I can look back on what I've written and try to learn from my own words. It's a lot easier and faster to type, so I'm not keeping a hand-written "journal" and just using the internet. Well, I guess we'll see what happens.