Change...

Recently, I have decided that I am going to move back home to Cleveland. I have been living here in Chicago for the past few years and, although I have loved my time here, I just don't want to be alone right now. So, I'm becoming more of a loser than I already am and I'm moving back in with my parents. It's not just about money, although that is part of it, but I just can't be alone right now.

I have been going through a weird phase of my life for some reason and it has played a lot of head games with me. My life is going nowhere. After I graduated culinary school, I started working in restaurants right away. I know that it is "tradition" to earn your keeps, so to speak, so I was well aware that I would be putting in a lot of hard work for little to no money. Well, here I am, 2 and half years later and I am still going nowhere. I quit my job very recently, but before I did, I was working 6 days a week and 80-90 hours a week for a joke of a paycheck. I'm 27 fucking years old and I am worse off than what I was in high school. How in the fuck does that happen?

Everytime I do things that other people tell me that I'm supposed to do, it ends up making my life worse than what it was. "Go to school", they told me. "After you graduate, get a good job", they told me. "Everything will be better", they told me. Umm, all of that was a fucking lie. I did all of that and it has done nothing but make my life more complicated and worse off than what it was before. AWESOME!!!

So, I am packing up and getting the fuck out of here. If I don't, I'm going to lose my fucking mind and probably end up "calling it quits", if you know what I mean.

I feel really bad, as I have been somewhat mean to people who don't deserve it. I'm not the kind of person who likes to talk about their feelings, as people are never of any help to me when I do. I usually get mocked or told to "shake it off", even though the feelings I express aren't something I can just brush off and forget about right away. So, to avoid furthering my despair, I usually just keep everything pent up on the inside and try to deal with it myself. Well, when I do that, I will sometimes lash out at people for no reason, as I use it as an avenue to release some sort of frustration. I have yelled at friends and family members for things that I shouldn't even raise my voice about. I don't get it, I really don't. I'm usually the most laid back person there is, but I've been a total dick recently and I feel horrible about it.

My lease here, at my current apartment, ends in April. I have to move out by May 1st of this year, so I will be doing so. I don't exactly when I will be moving back in with my parents, but it will be within the next few weeks. I sent a lengthy letter, telling them about my current state of life, and asked them if I could move back in with them. They fully understand that it's more than just money problems that are causing me to ask for such a thing, so they are more than happy to take me back in. They understand that I'm on a downward spiral, yet again, so they are going to be there for me so I don't reach the point of another suicide attempt. If I don't do something about my life, I will get there again. Since I don't want that, I threw myself at the mercy of the court, so to speak, and asked my parents for help.

When I move back in with good old Mom and Dad, I will be staying in my old room. That will be really weird at first, but hopefully, it will be the comfort that I need to get my head back on straight. I have already made a schedule of life for myself and I plan on sticking to it. I will continue to practice guitar each and every day. I will continue to work on writing my books each and every day (yeah, I have two of them that I'm working on now). I also plan on getting myself back into shape. I have become a sloppy, fat piece of crap and I hate it. I'm not a shallow or superficial person, so I honestly don't care what other people look like, but it's obvious that I'm being judged for my appearance and I want to change that.

I'm sick and tired of being told the following by numerous women...

"ANY girl would be lucky to have you"

Really, if ANY girl would be lucky to have me, then why won't you ever go out with me? Oooooh, that's right...because I'm fat. Thanks, I get it now. Awesome.

So, to avoid my appearance getting in the way of love, I am going to lose a bunch of weight and get myself a good body. I am going to put myself on a strict diet and workout routine. One of my best friends is getting married in September, so I plan on losing at least 50 lbs before his wedding day. It will be hard, but I know I can do it.

I don't know if all of this will ultimately solve all of my problems and make me genuinely happy inside, but I know that it can't hurt. I hate leaving the city of Chicago behind, but I need this. I feel pathetic, useless and utterly worthless as a human being. Sure, it's embarassing to be 27 years old and asking to move back in with my parents...but I need it. Without it, I'd be putting a fucking bullet in my skull. So, I'll suck it up, deal with the embarassment that comes along with it and try to save my life.

Does It Really Matter What I Type Here?...

I really shouldn't be alone right now. I'm feeling extremely unstable and I'm not in a good place. I know that I don't have a choice and that I'll be alone whether I like it or not, but I guess that typing on this pointless blog somehow makes me feel like someone is listening, even though nobody is. I don't know...

I'm beginning to hate again and I don't like it. I don't hate in the sense of anger of disapproval; I hate because I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to go through life, busting my ass and getting absolutely nothing in return. No money, no support, no warmth, no comfort, no friendship, no love...nothing. Seriously, why wake up? Why go to work? Why bother? Because I'm "supposed to"...because "that's life"...??? What kind of bullshit reasoning is that?

The last few days have been bad; really bad. I don't know where this all came from, but I've been trying to fight it away, only to fail. Fail...that's a word I'm used to. I fail at everything I do. I make no money. I have no friends. I have no girlfriend. Fuck...if I was 16 again and somebody told me that my life would be like this when I was 27, I wouldn't believe it. Well, believe it little old me; your life fucking sucks and everything you could've been doesn't mean a fucking thing now. Sure, you could've been something great, but you're not. You're a poor, lonely, beat down 27 year old loser who doesn't really give a shit about anything. Way to go. Way to put all of that so-called "potential" to use, you loser.

Guitaring...

I just got done practicing guitar for a while and I thought to myself...

"Hmm, my fingers hurt..."

Then, it made me think of Happy Gilmore, when the old lady complains that her fingers hurt and Ben Stiller makes her pull landscaping duty. Ahh, good times.

Until I Come Undone...

Until I Come Undone

Every tear I cry leaves a painful trail of unwanted nightmares that stain my innocent skin
Wiping them away only delays the inevitable, as the trail will return the next time I think of you
You consume my every thought and spread an unrelenting illness which owns my subconscious
Even if there was a cure that could rid me of your memory, I would choose to live with your infection

Day after day, the sickness will stay with me
Day after day, I inch closer to death
Day after day, this disease feels like fire
Day after day, I will continue to offer myself, piece by piece, until I have nothing left

And when I am gone, when my life is no more
Remember these words when you're in need of a smile...

I will unravel myself for you
May my thread hold you together in your times of need

Follow The Leader...

"Fear is the greatest educator, for only in terror do we learn of our true selves."
- Me

I think it's sad how the human race can walk this earth not even knowing who they are. Your minds are a slave to the trends while society acts as your mother, raising you to blindfully follow the fad you call "cool". Society molds the way you act; keyword, ACT, for who you really are, nobody knows.

The way you present yourself is an insult to your true personality, as you are doing nothing but putting on a show in order to fit in with the other sheep. The clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the stores you shop at, the cars you drive, the food you eat; you lazily copy everyone around you, preventing yourselves from developing a mind of your own.

Quit worshipping what you think others want you to be and think for yourself for once. Stop being afraid of yourself. Society doesn't give a fuck about you, yet, you'll do just about anything to please it. Why are you so willing to trade in your individuality for a false sense of belonging? All of the people you are trying to impress don't really like you, they like who they think you are; the character you portray.

Your whole life is a trend. In fact, you probably haven't had an original thought or emotional impulse in years. You do nothing but morph yourself to blend into the forefront of society, providing yourself with daily makeovers in order to fit in with the ever changing crowd...but, that's not you.

Behind closed doors, you are the hardass thug who cries at a sad movie. You are the demonizing bully who writes sappy poems of love and romance. You are the weekend whore who regrets every fling. You are the depressing emo kid who paints pictures of sunny meadows and glistening rainbows. Sadly, you are also the only one who knows this.

Why do so many people wait until they are looking death in the face to unveil their true colors? It isn't until you experience darkness that you decide to reveal your light. Time is precious, so hear my message before it's too late...

YOU are beautiful; shine on

New Year, New Life...

I haven't posted anything in a while, so I felt like I should. I have just been so occupied with some things and writing has honestly slipped my mind for the past few weeks. I haven't been super busy with "doing" things; rather, I've been been occupied by "thinking about" things.

Lately, I have come to the conclusion of what I am going to do with my life. I've been battling with myself on what I should do and what would be best for me. Well, I found the answer...

I am going to quit my job at the end of the year. Earlier last night, I booked a bus ticket to go back to Cleveland for a Christmas visit, which will begin on Christmas Eve, so I will be quitting my job before then. Once I quit my job and enjoy some time with my family back in Cleveland, I will return to Chicago and look for a job that pays me an adequate weekly salary. I honestly don't care what that job will be, I just need money. I am sick of getting my ass kicked at work for 80+ hours a week and bringing home a joke of a paycheck. Money doesn't make me happy. Work doesn't really make happy either. So, fuck it. I'm going to get a job that pays me enough money to pay my rent and hopefully a little more, so I can save up a bit. Once I establish what job I will be working at, I am going to put myself on a strict daily routine in order to achieve my main goal as quickly as possible. That goal...

MUSIC

I am going to practice my guitar playing for a minimum of 2 hours a day. I don't care how tired I am and I don't care what else I have to do that day; I will be playing guitar and practicing for at least 2 hours every single day. While I am practicing and continuing to get better, I will study and perfect the art of writing and reading music. I will study harder than I ever have before and I won't give up, no matter how grueling and mentally exhausting the process may be.

(I also plan on working out again. I'm uh, a little, how do you say, "out of shape"...??? So, I'm going to get back into my baseball workout routine and reclaim my health.)

I have a 3-year plan which I have set for myself and at the conclusion of those 3 years, I plan to have a band put together that will hopefully be good enough to begin touring. I don't care about money and I don't care about fame, groupies or TV appearances. I just want to play some fucking good music, entertain people all over the world and help them escape from their shitty lives for a few hours each night. In turn, they'll be helping me escape my shitty life, as I'll be playing my songs in front of people who want to hear them. That's all I want. I just want to be able to reach out to just one person and put a smile on their face. Even if it's just one person and that smile is just for one moment, I'll know that my music was what put it there. That's all I want from this.

I'm tired of living for other people and as of January 1, 2009 I will be living my life for ME and nobody else.

On a slightly different note:

My mom has been really upset lately, because this will be the first Christmas my family will go through without my grandmother; my mom's mom. My grandma died not too long ago and Christmas was always her favorite time of year, so my mom has been taking it kind of hard recently. She has been crying everytime that I've talked to her on the phone because she feels like Christmas will be really lonely, as my grandma won't be there and I'll be here in Chicago...or, so she thinks.

As I mentioned before, earlier last night, I booked a bus ticket to go back home to Cleveland. I surprised my mom last year by going home for Christmas, but this year will be a bit different. This year, I'm not going to tell my dad either. He was the only person who knew I was coming home for Christmas last year, but not this year.

I am leaving on Christmas Eve (day) and I will be arriving in Cleveland around 4:30PM that night. My dad has the day off and my mom works until 6PM that night. But, by the time my bus arrives, I transfer to the local train and get onto the "Circulator" (which is a neighborhood bus), it will be well after 6PM, so my mom will be home from work and both of my parents will be sitting there...all alone. So, I plan on walking from the last bus stop to my parent's house, which is only a few blocks away. Then, I'll knock on the door (hopefully when they're eating dinner, because I want to be "that guy"), my parents will come to the door and...SURPRISE!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I don't know why, but I'm really excited to surprise my mom. I'm even excited to surprise my dad because, well, he's kind of hard to surprise. He always seems to know everything, which makes it hard to surprise him. But, NOT THIS YEAR!!!

Christmas has always been a very enjoyable time of year, but I've noticed that ever since I moved away from home, I enjoy it even more. I guess it makes you appreciate your family when you don't get to see them but once or twice a year.

Happy Holidays!

Giving Up...

I don't know if it's common to feel like this, but for the past 5 or 6 years of my life, I have felt absolutely worthless. Since I've graduated high school, I have accomplished absolutely nothing and have contributed nothing to life. Sure, I went to culinary school and graduated, but...where did that get me? The answer: nowhere.

I've spent the past two years of my life slaving in professional kitchens for, what equals out to be, way less than minimum wage. I toughed my way through it at first, but I can't do it anymore. I am sick and tired of working 80+ hour weeks, which leaves me with barely any time to myself, and coming home with a mere $300/week before taxes. I made more than this when I was 18 years old, working 20 hours a week. So...why am I doing this?

The only thing I've ever wanted and needed in life is a wife and a daughter. I want to find a woman who is worth giving everything to. My love, my time, my money, my body, my life...everything. I want to have a daughter with that woman so I can raise a little girl to grow up to be just like her mommy. Any woman who is willing to be with me is a pretty amazing woman, and I want my daughter to grow up to be exactly like that woman.

Well, with the way my life is now...I'll never have that. I'll never have what I want and need. It's crushing me inside just thinking about it. I have to have that. I'm afraid that it's going to pass me by if I don't do something. I'm scared.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday and, for some reason, it is rattling me pretty hard. I am going to be 27 years old. I have a job that requires me to work 14 hour days, 6 days a week and pays me shit for money. I have no friends. I have no girlfriend. I have no time to make friends. I have no time to meet a girlfriend. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I know that it's no "fault" of my own, but...what the fuck am I doing with my life? Seriously, what the fuck?

I know that people are supposed to do what they want in life, but I haven't been doing that. I've been doing what everybody else wants me to do and it's causing me nothing but aggravation and heartache. I didn't care about going to culinary school. I didn't care about going to college. I didn't care about any of that. My parents, friends and family members bugged the shit of me for so long, telling me to go to school. It was like they weren't proud of me and wanted me to do what they wanted. So, they pushed and pushed and pushed until I gave in and they got what they wanted. When I enrolled in culinary school, they were thrilled. When I graduated, they were thrilled. But, the day after I graduated, the negativity started all over again.

"When are you going to get a job?"
"Why don't you have a job yet?"
"Get a job already!"

It's like nothing I do pleases people and I'm fucking sick of it. My whole entire life, I've done nothing but try and make people happy. I sacrifice everything I have to in order to put a smile on their face, even if it means risking my own happiness. But, now I'm starting to realize that nobody gives a fuck if I'm happy. So, if that's the case, why should I give a fuck if they're happy? Fuck them. It seems selfish, but seriously, FUCK THEM.

I've cried way too many tears trying to make people happy. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired of the hurt that is festering inside of my body and I want it to go away. I've been thinking, for quite a while, and I've come to the conclusion that there are only 2 things I can do that will make it go away...

1) Start playing music, as I've always wanted to do. Get a band together, record some songs and go with the flow. I don't care about being rich and famous, I just want to play music. It makes me happy and helps me escape from "reality", making life somewhat tolerable for a while.

or

2) Kill myself.

I've already been down the road of suicide and I don't want to travel down it's path once again. But, if I don't start doing what I want to do, I know that's where my life will take me. I hate to say this, but...

Fuck my mom
Fuck my dad
Fuck my friends
Fuck everybody

I'm done. If you don't like what I'm doing with my life, fuck you. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for ME. I am going to play music. I am going to find the woman of my dreams, someone I will love forever and someone who will love me forever. I am going to marry her. I am going to have a daughter. I am going to raise that little girl to be whatever she wants to be. Librarian, horseback rider, airplane pilot, gas station attendant, it doesn't matter. I am going to love her and support her no matter what. I am going to be the support that I've never gotten and raise the most amazing little girl in the world.

Maybe, just maybe...you'll be proud of me then. Maybe.

Dear Hypocrite...

Dear Hypocrite,

You say one thing, mean another. The words you speak and morals you try to portray are nothing but lies. It's obvious to everyone, so why deny it? I'm tired of going along with your charade. You claim that you want true love. If that is true in itself, then all you have to do is open your eyes. I've been right in front of your face for years. I know you see me, so why do you ignore?

Here are the facts:

- You KNOW that you will never find someone who loves you more than I do
- You KNOW that you will never find someone who is willing to do what I am for you
- You KNOW that you will never find someone who will sacrifice more than I would for you

I would end my life for you without hesitation

I would DIE for you...

Yet, that means nothing to you. Even though you have waited your whole life for someone to love you exactly as I do, you want nothing to do with me. Why? Bottom line, because you don't want to fuck me.

Just because I'm not sexually attractive in your eyes, you refuse to give me a chance. Since when does a persons appearance outweigh the importance of their thoughts, morals, emotions and acts of love? You want to be loved for you; for who you are, for what you stand for, for your personality, for your heart and soul. You want to be loved unconditionally for what you possess on the inside, not for your appearance; the clothes you wear, the size of your chest, your height, your weight...you don't want to be judged, yet...

That is EXACTLY what you're doing to me!

You are willing to let the best opportunity of your life just slip away, without regret, just because the thought of having sex with me isn't something that makes your pussy wet. Well, you know what?

I hope you do regret me someday...

You fucking hypocrite

All my best,

The best thing that will ever happen to you

For my entire life, I have been nothing more than "just a friend" to every single girl that I have ever met. At first, I laughed about it, making jokes about myself. As time went by, my laughter went away as my sense of humor about the whole topic was turned into pure anger and confusion. I'm not perfect by anyone's standards but I definitely don't deserve to be pushed to the curb by every girl that walks the face of this earth. I've grown sick and tired of being alone, especially when it's through no fault of my own.

As I pondered this whole issue, my mind raced as I thought of my own experiences and the experiences of others. I began to think of how every girl out there has a guy in her life who is absolutely perfect for her. He loves her no matter what, he provides her with whatever she needs, he says exactly what he needs to say and he never asks for anything in return; perfect. I wondered why these guys, the "just a friend" types, seem to never get to boyfriend status. Then, it hit me. The reason, the only reason that guys get stuck in the "friend zone" is because the girl who views him as "just a friend" doesn't ever want to have sex with him. Yes, it is that simple. I am "just a friend" because I'm not the hot frat dude with gleaming muscles and highlighted, spikey gelled hair. Just because my physical image doesn't cause sexual excitement with the opposite sex, I get thrown to the curb and automatically eliminated from contention.

I thought about this for a while and I began to get more angry as every second ticked away. I couldn't quite figure out why, but then I realized what was causing my increasing anger. Most of, hell, if not all of the girls who punish their own personal Mr. Perfects by never giving them a chance just because they're not hot enough for them...are the SAME FUCKING GIRLS WHO ALWAYS BITCH ABOUT HOW THEY DON'T WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR THEIR LOOKS!!! It makes me fucking furious to even think about the amount of hypocrisy that is thrown around by these fucking idiot bitches. If they would take the time to step off of their superficial and shallow ivory towers for just one fucking second, they would see just how dumb they are. They never practice what they preach, but yet, they want to be treated like queens, no matter how they look. They are fucking themselves by not giving their "just a friends" a chance because of their not-good-enough-for-me appearance They would much rather be with a guy who is sexy and treats them like shit instead of a guy who maybe isn't so good looking, but will literally go to the lengths of laying down his own life for her? Yeah, good choice you superficial morons.

As you can see, this subject pisses me off. I have been beaten down by these hypocritical bitches for my whole entire life and to be honest, I'm fucking sick of it. When I first started writing this, I attempted to create a poem. I was so angry at the time that nothing poetic was being conjured up by my upset conscience. So, I ended up turning my anger into words in the form of a letter. I wrote this letter to a hypothetical girl but it is inspired by all of the girls who have, and who will continue to never give me a chance. This letter is dedicated to every single guy out there who is damned to a fate just like mine.

Ladies, there will come a day where you truly need your "just a friend" for comfort or support and he won't be there anymore. Grow the fuck up, get over yourself and give him a chance while he's still around. You're only doing yourself a favor if you do.

PS - Your shit don't stink, huh? I don't fucking think so bitch.

I'm not going to lie, I hate living. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that there are a very few people in my life that actually, truly NEED me. Other than that, I am not needed what-so-ever.

I am one of those men who is always going to be overlooked and forgotten, and...I think I'm ok with that. I don't need to be someone important in society's eyes....fuck it. That doesn't mean a fucking thing. Society is my worst enemy.

Society makes girls believe that stupid, superficial bullshit is important and I fucking hate it more than anything. I don't solely blame society for my loneliness, but I definitely want to punch it in the stomach.

FUCK SOCIETY. Everything that society has taught you is fucking wrong. The notion of "belonging" only seperates people in the long run. Fuck doing what "everyone else is" doing...do what YOU want to do. Live how YOU want to live. Do the things that YOU want to do.

I'm sick and tired of meeting people (women in particular) that are fucking clones and don't even know who they are. Fuck it...it's fucking stupid.

I could go on and on and on and on, etc...for hours...but I won't.

Grow up...be yourself...be who YOU want to be...live your own life.

Goodnight.

Go Cubs Go!!!...

I'm sitting here watching Game 2 of the NLDS on TBS. It's the Cubs playing against the Dodgers, here at home, in Wrigley Field. It's making me miss the days when I used to live a mere 5 minute walk away from Wrigley Field, so I'm drinking Old Style beer (which is the official beer of the Cubs, oh yeah) and cheering for the CUBBIES!!!

That uh, that's all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump).