Change...

Recently, I have decided that I am going to move back home to Cleveland. I have been living here in Chicago for the past few years and, although I have loved my time here, I just don't want to be alone right now. So, I'm becoming more of a loser than I already am and I'm moving back in with my parents. It's not just about money, although that is part of it, but I just can't be alone right now.

I have been going through a weird phase of my life for some reason and it has played a lot of head games with me. My life is going nowhere. After I graduated culinary school, I started working in restaurants right away. I know that it is "tradition" to earn your keeps, so to speak, so I was well aware that I would be putting in a lot of hard work for little to no money. Well, here I am, 2 and half years later and I am still going nowhere. I quit my job very recently, but before I did, I was working 6 days a week and 80-90 hours a week for a joke of a paycheck. I'm 27 fucking years old and I am worse off than what I was in high school. How in the fuck does that happen?

Everytime I do things that other people tell me that I'm supposed to do, it ends up making my life worse than what it was. "Go to school", they told me. "After you graduate, get a good job", they told me. "Everything will be better", they told me. Umm, all of that was a fucking lie. I did all of that and it has done nothing but make my life more complicated and worse off than what it was before. AWESOME!!!

So, I am packing up and getting the fuck out of here. If I don't, I'm going to lose my fucking mind and probably end up "calling it quits", if you know what I mean.

I feel really bad, as I have been somewhat mean to people who don't deserve it. I'm not the kind of person who likes to talk about their feelings, as people are never of any help to me when I do. I usually get mocked or told to "shake it off", even though the feelings I express aren't something I can just brush off and forget about right away. So, to avoid furthering my despair, I usually just keep everything pent up on the inside and try to deal with it myself. Well, when I do that, I will sometimes lash out at people for no reason, as I use it as an avenue to release some sort of frustration. I have yelled at friends and family members for things that I shouldn't even raise my voice about. I don't get it, I really don't. I'm usually the most laid back person there is, but I've been a total dick recently and I feel horrible about it.

My lease here, at my current apartment, ends in April. I have to move out by May 1st of this year, so I will be doing so. I don't exactly when I will be moving back in with my parents, but it will be within the next few weeks. I sent a lengthy letter, telling them about my current state of life, and asked them if I could move back in with them. They fully understand that it's more than just money problems that are causing me to ask for such a thing, so they are more than happy to take me back in. They understand that I'm on a downward spiral, yet again, so they are going to be there for me so I don't reach the point of another suicide attempt. If I don't do something about my life, I will get there again. Since I don't want that, I threw myself at the mercy of the court, so to speak, and asked my parents for help.

When I move back in with good old Mom and Dad, I will be staying in my old room. That will be really weird at first, but hopefully, it will be the comfort that I need to get my head back on straight. I have already made a schedule of life for myself and I plan on sticking to it. I will continue to practice guitar each and every day. I will continue to work on writing my books each and every day (yeah, I have two of them that I'm working on now). I also plan on getting myself back into shape. I have become a sloppy, fat piece of crap and I hate it. I'm not a shallow or superficial person, so I honestly don't care what other people look like, but it's obvious that I'm being judged for my appearance and I want to change that.

I'm sick and tired of being told the following by numerous women...

"ANY girl would be lucky to have you"

Really, if ANY girl would be lucky to have me, then why won't you ever go out with me? Oooooh, that's right...because I'm fat. Thanks, I get it now. Awesome.

So, to avoid my appearance getting in the way of love, I am going to lose a bunch of weight and get myself a good body. I am going to put myself on a strict diet and workout routine. One of my best friends is getting married in September, so I plan on losing at least 50 lbs before his wedding day. It will be hard, but I know I can do it.

I don't know if all of this will ultimately solve all of my problems and make me genuinely happy inside, but I know that it can't hurt. I hate leaving the city of Chicago behind, but I need this. I feel pathetic, useless and utterly worthless as a human being. Sure, it's embarassing to be 27 years old and asking to move back in with my parents...but I need it. Without it, I'd be putting a fucking bullet in my skull. So, I'll suck it up, deal with the embarassment that comes along with it and try to save my life.