Giving Up...

I don't know if it's common to feel like this, but for the past 5 or 6 years of my life, I have felt absolutely worthless. Since I've graduated high school, I have accomplished absolutely nothing and have contributed nothing to life. Sure, I went to culinary school and graduated, but...where did that get me? The answer: nowhere.

I've spent the past two years of my life slaving in professional kitchens for, what equals out to be, way less than minimum wage. I toughed my way through it at first, but I can't do it anymore. I am sick and tired of working 80+ hour weeks, which leaves me with barely any time to myself, and coming home with a mere $300/week before taxes. I made more than this when I was 18 years old, working 20 hours a week. So...why am I doing this?

The only thing I've ever wanted and needed in life is a wife and a daughter. I want to find a woman who is worth giving everything to. My love, my time, my money, my body, my life...everything. I want to have a daughter with that woman so I can raise a little girl to grow up to be just like her mommy. Any woman who is willing to be with me is a pretty amazing woman, and I want my daughter to grow up to be exactly like that woman.

Well, with the way my life is now...I'll never have that. I'll never have what I want and need. It's crushing me inside just thinking about it. I have to have that. I'm afraid that it's going to pass me by if I don't do something. I'm scared.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday and, for some reason, it is rattling me pretty hard. I am going to be 27 years old. I have a job that requires me to work 14 hour days, 6 days a week and pays me shit for money. I have no friends. I have no girlfriend. I have no time to make friends. I have no time to meet a girlfriend. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I know that it's no "fault" of my own, but...what the fuck am I doing with my life? Seriously, what the fuck?

I know that people are supposed to do what they want in life, but I haven't been doing that. I've been doing what everybody else wants me to do and it's causing me nothing but aggravation and heartache. I didn't care about going to culinary school. I didn't care about going to college. I didn't care about any of that. My parents, friends and family members bugged the shit of me for so long, telling me to go to school. It was like they weren't proud of me and wanted me to do what they wanted. So, they pushed and pushed and pushed until I gave in and they got what they wanted. When I enrolled in culinary school, they were thrilled. When I graduated, they were thrilled. But, the day after I graduated, the negativity started all over again.

"When are you going to get a job?"
"Why don't you have a job yet?"
"Get a job already!"

It's like nothing I do pleases people and I'm fucking sick of it. My whole entire life, I've done nothing but try and make people happy. I sacrifice everything I have to in order to put a smile on their face, even if it means risking my own happiness. But, now I'm starting to realize that nobody gives a fuck if I'm happy. So, if that's the case, why should I give a fuck if they're happy? Fuck them. It seems selfish, but seriously, FUCK THEM.

I've cried way too many tears trying to make people happy. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired of the hurt that is festering inside of my body and I want it to go away. I've been thinking, for quite a while, and I've come to the conclusion that there are only 2 things I can do that will make it go away...

1) Start playing music, as I've always wanted to do. Get a band together, record some songs and go with the flow. I don't care about being rich and famous, I just want to play music. It makes me happy and helps me escape from "reality", making life somewhat tolerable for a while.

or

2) Kill myself.

I've already been down the road of suicide and I don't want to travel down it's path once again. But, if I don't start doing what I want to do, I know that's where my life will take me. I hate to say this, but...

Fuck my mom
Fuck my dad
Fuck my friends
Fuck everybody

I'm done. If you don't like what I'm doing with my life, fuck you. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for ME. I am going to play music. I am going to find the woman of my dreams, someone I will love forever and someone who will love me forever. I am going to marry her. I am going to have a daughter. I am going to raise that little girl to be whatever she wants to be. Librarian, horseback rider, airplane pilot, gas station attendant, it doesn't matter. I am going to love her and support her no matter what. I am going to be the support that I've never gotten and raise the most amazing little girl in the world.

Maybe, just maybe...you'll be proud of me then. Maybe.

Dear Hypocrite...

Dear Hypocrite,

You say one thing, mean another. The words you speak and morals you try to portray are nothing but lies. It's obvious to everyone, so why deny it? I'm tired of going along with your charade. You claim that you want true love. If that is true in itself, then all you have to do is open your eyes. I've been right in front of your face for years. I know you see me, so why do you ignore?

Here are the facts:

- You KNOW that you will never find someone who loves you more than I do
- You KNOW that you will never find someone who is willing to do what I am for you
- You KNOW that you will never find someone who will sacrifice more than I would for you

I would end my life for you without hesitation

I would DIE for you...

Yet, that means nothing to you. Even though you have waited your whole life for someone to love you exactly as I do, you want nothing to do with me. Why? Bottom line, because you don't want to fuck me.

Just because I'm not sexually attractive in your eyes, you refuse to give me a chance. Since when does a persons appearance outweigh the importance of their thoughts, morals, emotions and acts of love? You want to be loved for you; for who you are, for what you stand for, for your personality, for your heart and soul. You want to be loved unconditionally for what you possess on the inside, not for your appearance; the clothes you wear, the size of your chest, your height, your weight...you don't want to be judged, yet...

That is EXACTLY what you're doing to me!

You are willing to let the best opportunity of your life just slip away, without regret, just because the thought of having sex with me isn't something that makes your pussy wet. Well, you know what?

I hope you do regret me someday...

You fucking hypocrite

All my best,

The best thing that will ever happen to you

For my entire life, I have been nothing more than "just a friend" to every single girl that I have ever met. At first, I laughed about it, making jokes about myself. As time went by, my laughter went away as my sense of humor about the whole topic was turned into pure anger and confusion. I'm not perfect by anyone's standards but I definitely don't deserve to be pushed to the curb by every girl that walks the face of this earth. I've grown sick and tired of being alone, especially when it's through no fault of my own.

As I pondered this whole issue, my mind raced as I thought of my own experiences and the experiences of others. I began to think of how every girl out there has a guy in her life who is absolutely perfect for her. He loves her no matter what, he provides her with whatever she needs, he says exactly what he needs to say and he never asks for anything in return; perfect. I wondered why these guys, the "just a friend" types, seem to never get to boyfriend status. Then, it hit me. The reason, the only reason that guys get stuck in the "friend zone" is because the girl who views him as "just a friend" doesn't ever want to have sex with him. Yes, it is that simple. I am "just a friend" because I'm not the hot frat dude with gleaming muscles and highlighted, spikey gelled hair. Just because my physical image doesn't cause sexual excitement with the opposite sex, I get thrown to the curb and automatically eliminated from contention.

I thought about this for a while and I began to get more angry as every second ticked away. I couldn't quite figure out why, but then I realized what was causing my increasing anger. Most of, hell, if not all of the girls who punish their own personal Mr. Perfects by never giving them a chance just because they're not hot enough for them...are the SAME FUCKING GIRLS WHO ALWAYS BITCH ABOUT HOW THEY DON'T WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR THEIR LOOKS!!! It makes me fucking furious to even think about the amount of hypocrisy that is thrown around by these fucking idiot bitches. If they would take the time to step off of their superficial and shallow ivory towers for just one fucking second, they would see just how dumb they are. They never practice what they preach, but yet, they want to be treated like queens, no matter how they look. They are fucking themselves by not giving their "just a friends" a chance because of their not-good-enough-for-me appearance They would much rather be with a guy who is sexy and treats them like shit instead of a guy who maybe isn't so good looking, but will literally go to the lengths of laying down his own life for her? Yeah, good choice you superficial morons.

As you can see, this subject pisses me off. I have been beaten down by these hypocritical bitches for my whole entire life and to be honest, I'm fucking sick of it. When I first started writing this, I attempted to create a poem. I was so angry at the time that nothing poetic was being conjured up by my upset conscience. So, I ended up turning my anger into words in the form of a letter. I wrote this letter to a hypothetical girl but it is inspired by all of the girls who have, and who will continue to never give me a chance. This letter is dedicated to every single guy out there who is damned to a fate just like mine.

Ladies, there will come a day where you truly need your "just a friend" for comfort or support and he won't be there anymore. Grow the fuck up, get over yourself and give him a chance while he's still around. You're only doing yourself a favor if you do.

PS - Your shit don't stink, huh? I don't fucking think so bitch.

I'm not going to lie, I hate living. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that there are a very few people in my life that actually, truly NEED me. Other than that, I am not needed what-so-ever.

I am one of those men who is always going to be overlooked and forgotten, and...I think I'm ok with that. I don't need to be someone important in society's eyes....fuck it. That doesn't mean a fucking thing. Society is my worst enemy.

Society makes girls believe that stupid, superficial bullshit is important and I fucking hate it more than anything. I don't solely blame society for my loneliness, but I definitely want to punch it in the stomach.

FUCK SOCIETY. Everything that society has taught you is fucking wrong. The notion of "belonging" only seperates people in the long run. Fuck doing what "everyone else is" doing...do what YOU want to do. Live how YOU want to live. Do the things that YOU want to do.

I'm sick and tired of meeting people (women in particular) that are fucking clones and don't even know who they are. Fuck it...it's fucking stupid.

I could go on and on and on and on, etc...for hours...but I won't.

Grow up...be yourself...be who YOU want to be...live your own life.

Goodnight.

Go Cubs Go!!!...

I'm sitting here watching Game 2 of the NLDS on TBS. It's the Cubs playing against the Dodgers, here at home, in Wrigley Field. It's making me miss the days when I used to live a mere 5 minute walk away from Wrigley Field, so I'm drinking Old Style beer (which is the official beer of the Cubs, oh yeah) and cheering for the CUBBIES!!!

That uh, that's all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump).