Giving Up...

I don't know if it's common to feel like this, but for the past 5 or 6 years of my life, I have felt absolutely worthless. Since I've graduated high school, I have accomplished absolutely nothing and have contributed nothing to life. Sure, I went to culinary school and graduated, but...where did that get me? The answer: nowhere.

I've spent the past two years of my life slaving in professional kitchens for, what equals out to be, way less than minimum wage. I toughed my way through it at first, but I can't do it anymore. I am sick and tired of working 80+ hour weeks, which leaves me with barely any time to myself, and coming home with a mere $300/week before taxes. I made more than this when I was 18 years old, working 20 hours a week. So...why am I doing this?

The only thing I've ever wanted and needed in life is a wife and a daughter. I want to find a woman who is worth giving everything to. My love, my time, my money, my body, my life...everything. I want to have a daughter with that woman so I can raise a little girl to grow up to be just like her mommy. Any woman who is willing to be with me is a pretty amazing woman, and I want my daughter to grow up to be exactly like that woman.

Well, with the way my life is now...I'll never have that. I'll never have what I want and need. It's crushing me inside just thinking about it. I have to have that. I'm afraid that it's going to pass me by if I don't do something. I'm scared.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday and, for some reason, it is rattling me pretty hard. I am going to be 27 years old. I have a job that requires me to work 14 hour days, 6 days a week and pays me shit for money. I have no friends. I have no girlfriend. I have no time to make friends. I have no time to meet a girlfriend. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I know that it's no "fault" of my own, but...what the fuck am I doing with my life? Seriously, what the fuck?

I know that people are supposed to do what they want in life, but I haven't been doing that. I've been doing what everybody else wants me to do and it's causing me nothing but aggravation and heartache. I didn't care about going to culinary school. I didn't care about going to college. I didn't care about any of that. My parents, friends and family members bugged the shit of me for so long, telling me to go to school. It was like they weren't proud of me and wanted me to do what they wanted. So, they pushed and pushed and pushed until I gave in and they got what they wanted. When I enrolled in culinary school, they were thrilled. When I graduated, they were thrilled. But, the day after I graduated, the negativity started all over again.

"When are you going to get a job?"
"Why don't you have a job yet?"
"Get a job already!"

It's like nothing I do pleases people and I'm fucking sick of it. My whole entire life, I've done nothing but try and make people happy. I sacrifice everything I have to in order to put a smile on their face, even if it means risking my own happiness. But, now I'm starting to realize that nobody gives a fuck if I'm happy. So, if that's the case, why should I give a fuck if they're happy? Fuck them. It seems selfish, but seriously, FUCK THEM.

I've cried way too many tears trying to make people happy. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm tired of the hurt that is festering inside of my body and I want it to go away. I've been thinking, for quite a while, and I've come to the conclusion that there are only 2 things I can do that will make it go away...

1) Start playing music, as I've always wanted to do. Get a band together, record some songs and go with the flow. I don't care about being rich and famous, I just want to play music. It makes me happy and helps me escape from "reality", making life somewhat tolerable for a while.

or

2) Kill myself.

I've already been down the road of suicide and I don't want to travel down it's path once again. But, if I don't start doing what I want to do, I know that's where my life will take me. I hate to say this, but...

Fuck my mom
Fuck my dad
Fuck my friends
Fuck everybody

I'm done. If you don't like what I'm doing with my life, fuck you. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for ME. I am going to play music. I am going to find the woman of my dreams, someone I will love forever and someone who will love me forever. I am going to marry her. I am going to have a daughter. I am going to raise that little girl to be whatever she wants to be. Librarian, horseback rider, airplane pilot, gas station attendant, it doesn't matter. I am going to love her and support her no matter what. I am going to be the support that I've never gotten and raise the most amazing little girl in the world.

Maybe, just maybe...you'll be proud of me then. Maybe.